Relationship Buster Count Down….
4 types of friends to let go
Let go of Friends who have the following characteristics:
The first characteristic is the judgmental type. These individuals tend to be more dream-squashers than dream lifters.
The second characteristic is the jealous type. If you have a friend that is unhappy because you’re happy, you may be keeping the friendship past its expiration date.
The third characteristic is the untrustworthy type. Trust & honesty are key factors necessary for healthy relationships….(if you can’t trust your friend to speak up for you when you’re not around or you fear your personal information finding its way to someone else without your permission; it’s time to reevaluate the friendship).
The last characteristic is Selfishness type. Often there are two types of people (givers & takers)… healthy relationships are about (give & take)…. so if you find that your friendship is upside-down, meaning that you are always giving and they are always taking, then you have three options…
a) decide if it’s worth it to stay and then have a courageous conversation to address the issues of selfishness
b) change your expectations so that you are not so disappointed if your friend doesn’t change
c) let go of the friendship and create space for more reciprocal relationships
3 ways to end a relationship
1) Have a Courageous Conversation without Blaming & Shaming: this means that you need to be okay if the person doesn’t agree with you.
2) Use “I” Statements to Acknowledge the Problem: share what’s not working for you; stick with the facts and try not to attack or defend.
3) Be Gracious but Firm with Clear verses Blurred Boundaries: break-ups are hard so try not to make it worse by being mean or provoking…you can be firm with your expectations of how you move forward while setting clear boundaries about future engagement.
2 ways to move on
1) Have “Closure Talk” (first with self and then with others): process grief about letting go of the friendship; remember why it wasn’t working and lessons learned from it, journal to purge emotions & feelings about loss as well as gratitude about gains.
2) Accept your “New Norm”: Embrace the opportunities for new friendships, relationships or experiences now that there is space in your life.
1 way to Have Healthier Relationships
1) Make a Commitment to Self – Love : Having healthy relationships with others requires us to have a healthy & loving relationship with ourselves first. When we dare to love & like ourselves, we are less likely to stay in unhealthy relationships with others.
I have a “friend” who is in a fairly new relationship and she has completely let go of all her friendships…sort of like an unintentional breakup, but with friends instead of a significant other. She’s very wrapped up with her boyfriend now and I’m happy for her, but she has totally dropped me as a friend now. I tried talking to her about it when she first started dating him, but she wasn’t receptive to it. I’ve come to the conclusion that it might be a friendship I no longer need in my life, but curious if you had any expert advice as to how you’d handle this situation?
Dr. Argie’s Response-
This is not uncommon for people to get in a new relationship and have difficulty maintaining the habits and routines of their existing relationships
* Don’t be afraid to have one more courageous conversation
* If There is no hope of compromise than its time to grieve the loss and move on
* Change your expectations about what you’d hoped it would look like
* Staying in the relationship beyond it’s expiration date won’t serve you very well
* Don’t stay in non-reciprocal relationships out of loyalty, longevity or legacy
* Embrace your New Norm and create space of opportunities for other healthier relationships in your life
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WHENEVER WE ARE HANGING OUT, ALWAYS PUTS THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HERSELF. HOW CAN I TELL HER NICELY TO BE LESS SELFISH AND TO FOCUS ON OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT SOUNDING MEAN?
Dr. Argie’s Response-
Learn the Art of Re-Socialization
It’s not uncommon to be in relationships with someone who are a bit self-absorbed…
This doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that you need to re-socialize them to understanding that you have needs too…
Sharing with them that you value their thoughts and sometimes want to share about yourself to get feedback from them…
People who are self-absorbed also desire to feel needed so this tactic puts them in a position to offer something to the relationship while you get to share parts of you as well….
I MOVE AROUND A LOT FOR WORK, HOW CAN I CHOOSE WHICH LONG DISTANCE FRIENDSHIPS TO MAINTAIN AND WHICH ONES TO LET GO?
Dr. Argie’s Response-
Let go of friends who require more time that you have to give (staying in the relationship will just frustrate you both)
Give yourself permission to re-locate those friendships to a less demanding position or let go of them completely
Hold onto the friendships who can adapt to a long distance kind of relationship
Talk with them about possible changes to your Engagement:
– Be upfront with expectations for the friendship (change expectations on both sides if necessary)
– Be realistic about what can or can’t offer to the friendship based on work/travel availability
– Create new norms based on present expectations for friendship